Tuesday, November 12, 2013

on being 'enough'.

Something that I often struggle with is being enough and feeling loved.

As a Christian, something we should all do more often is remind ourselves again and again of the gospel and of our own salvation. If I go back to where I was before I knew God and remind myself of how God found me and what convicted me, and how He reached me.. I remember feeling alone, lost, worthless, aimless, etc. God showed me and promised me a life with Him knowing that he cares for me, that He loves me, that He gave his one and only son for me. I have to constantly remind myself that I am loved. That God loves me no matter what. I can’t screw up so badly that he will turn away from me. As big as the sin is in my life, God / still / loves / me. He won’t love me one day, and not love me another day. His love is perfect. God is love. His love is great, and I need it. I need to know that He loves me. Some days I just want to be hugged and held. And when I can’t, I get really emotional and needy. It is a big struggle to remind myself that though God won’t give me a physical hug, his Spirit dwells in me. Christ died for me. Is that not enough??
..though God won’t give me a physical hug, his Spirit dwells in me.
I have always tried to fit in. I want to fit in so badly, and in the process I end up losing sight of myself and of God. If I please people more than myself (and unfortunately, pleasing people feels much more immediate than pleasing God), I can earn their love. Ouch, I find that really hard to type. Earning their love. God’s love came free to me!!! What are you doing, Stephanie?!?!? Sometimes I want God to be a teddy bear who will comfort me all the time. But his love is better than that. He isn't simply a source of comfort, but a source of fuel.

And so, I pray that God alone will satisfy me. To know that I am enough for God and that he loves unconditionally.