Wednesday, June 26, 2013

finding myself, by losing myself.

I just finished reading Radical, by David Platt. Have you read it? I would definitely recommend it. It's a good read no matter where you stand with Christ. The book is a call to live in radical abandonment to Jesus.

I am so often distracted by the things of this life, as we often are.. As I write this on my MacBook Pro, in the beautiful countryside in England. I am spoiled, in so many ways. Can I give up my comforts and my personal goals all for Jesus? It's a question I will continue to ask myself everyday. I say that I live for Christ, but do I really? I don't think I do. But I want to, and I want to learn how to.

Having studied at the Castle this past term, I have been thrown into a new environment where you meet new people all the time and a few common questions people ask include, "What are you studying? What do you hope to do in the future?". Throughout my time at the castle I have had a strong pull to become an occupational therapist- oh wait, a nurse- just kidding, health policy and law! I am being pulled every which way, and I don't know what I will do in the future.

I used to want to be a pharmacist. I wanted to be a pharmacist because science was all I knew. Science is all I had ever studied. I also knew that I liked helping people, so I wanted to go into healthcare. But I didn't want to be a doctor. I wanted to be a pharmacist because it is good pay right out of school. I wanted to be a pharmacist because it sounds cool to be a "drug dealer". All sorts of silly reasons, but mostly because I wanted to work in healthcare and a pharmacist's job is important because medicine runs our world. We live in an era of scientific and medical expertise, where pharmaceutical companies hold so much power (a little too much if you ask me). Why am I telling you this? Because I gave up on this goal. I switched programs from science into health (it's an arts program where I study), and haven't a clue what I will do with it. I am still interested in the health of people, but ever since becoming a Christian I am more and more interested in their spiritual health as well as their physical and social health.

I don't know yet how to reconcile my interests into a future career. I don't know what I will do. But I know that I now want to build my life in a way where I am not doing it for me, not for the money, not for the fame, but for Jesus. Where will God lead me to best serve Him? Can I give up my comforts and my desires to live a life of obedience? A life of radical abandonment?

I want to read the bible more. I want to pray more. I want to know Jesus more. I want to have the faith and the courage to live a life of obedience to Christ. I want to lose my pride and lose my selfish desires. I want to lose myself so I can find myself in Christ.